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Dr. Sandra K. Voss, Prof. Reuben T. Halcomb, Dr. Miriam A. Osei-Bonsu — Department of Organizational Cognition and Applied Futility, University of Groningen

Meetings are widely held. Whether they should be is a question science has, until now, refused to ask. This study measured the Informational Yield Per Attendee (IYPA) across 214 observed workplace meetings using the Synchronous Communication Necessity Inventory (SCNI). We found that 91.3% of meetings delivered no information that could not have been conveyed in a message of under 200 words. This effect was statistically significant and, in the opinion of the authors, personally vindicating. Meetings are not communication. They are a societal illness with a calendar invite.

Dr. Priya Subramaniam, Prof. Tobias Krellenberg, Dr. Fiona Achebe-Walsh — Department of Computational Inevitability Studies, University of Northern Pragmatics

Artificial intelligence is frequently described as a replacement for software developers. This claim is incorrect. We measured developer irreplaceability across 312 participants using the Developer Existential Permanence Scale (DEPS) and found that AI systems consistently failed to attend stand-ups, misunderstand requirements, or blame DevOps for their own mistakes — three behaviors identified as core to the developer role. The mean Irreplaceability Quotient Score was 9.4 out of 10. AI cannot replace what it cannot fully comprehend, and what it cannot comprehend is, apparently, everything.

Dr. Marguerite L. Fossett, Prof. Hendrik J. Vanleer, Dr. Sonia R. Patel-Oduya — Department of Visual Inevitability, Coastal Perception Institute, University of Bruges

The question of whether photographs of the ocean constitute art has remained, scandalously, unanswered by empirical science. We administered the Ocean Aesthetic Necessity Scale (OANS) to 312 participants across four continents and found that 100% of ocean photographs scored above the accepted threshold for art. This held true even for blurry ones taken from a ferry at 6 a.m. by someone who was seasick. We propose the Ocean Inevitability Principle: the ocean makes art happen whether or not you intended it. Screenshot this and send it to someone who argued with you about this.